


Past the Noise and the Dreams

by whispered_story



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Lukas makes everything better, M/M, Philip has nightmares and panic attacks, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-12-03 10:42:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11530548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whispered_story/pseuds/whispered_story
Summary: Philip has panic attacks and nightmares,  but instead of talking about it he pretends he's okay. It doesn't work for very long.





	Past the Noise and the Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> beta'd by [dancing_adrift](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dancing_Adrift) ♥
> 
> art by the AMAZING [Ilana Kashi](https://twitter.com/Ilanakashi3). Thank you so much, hon! (Please remember to go tell her how amazing she is and leave her lots of love, guys!)

  
  
  


_Bang_.

Philip flinches, the pen slipping on the paper and falling from his fingers. It leaves behind a long, slightly jagged mark that crosses four lines.

For a long, painful moment, time seems to stand still. Every muscle in Philip's body is frozen and cold fear makes his heart constrict, makes it hard to breathe in. He feels the panic rise, threatening to spill over, consume him the way it has done so many times before. 

Then his brain catches up.

The noise was loud, but it wasn't deafening like the sound of a gun going off, not booming. Not the way Philip remembers. 

Something heavy must have crashed onto the ground outside. Maybe in the shed. It happens on a farm, he reminds himself. And maybe it's not a working farm and it's quiet most of the time, peaceful, but there's still enough heavy equipment around — things other than _guns_ — that could have caused the noise. 

"Fuck," Philip mutters and closes his eyes for a second. He sucks in a breath, but it takes some effort, his chest feeling too tight. Slowly, deliberately, he tries to get his breathing under control again, to will his body to relax. 

Not a shot, he reminds himself silently. It was definitely not a shot.

He's safe. He's okay. And Ryan Kane is dead. 

Dead. Dead. _Dead_.

Breathing slowly, in and out, Philip picks up his phone from the nightstand with shaking hands.

"You're okay, everything's fine," he murmurs to himself as he opens up his contacts. The good thing about having almost no friends is that he doesn't have to scroll down. Lukas is right there at the top, with a little star in front of his name so he comes up first, and Helen and Gabe's numbers aren't much further down on the list.

He thinks about calling Helen or Gabe for a second, _wants_ to ask them to come home, but he can't bring himself to do that. Not over a random noise. It's not a big deal. Not something he has to worry or freak out about. 

Of course, he's witnessed a triple murder and been kidnapped and held at gunpoint, and his mother has been murdered, so freaking out is kind of what Philip does these days. Silently, without telling anyone, because he's already shaken up everyone's lives enough. And it's been months anyway, so Philip thinks he should be over it. Should have moved on and buried his past, instead of dwelling on it. And, really, Philip is doing okay, all things considered. A little noise isn't going to get to him, because he isn't going to let that happen. He's okay. He's been pretending he's okay for a while and he's pretty damn good at it. Most days he even believes it himself.

Nobody — except Lukas, who goes through the same things and _gets_ it — needs to know how bad things get sometimes. The nightmares, the anxiety, the empty hole in his chest that's been gnawing at his insides since the moment Helen told him about his mother. 

He doesn't even tell Lukas about all of it. A lot of times Lukas can guess, but Philip doesn't want to burden him more than he has to. Lukas has his own issues to work through and things at home, while better, still aren't easy for him. 

But he wants Lukas here now. Wants to be close, wants to hide in Lukas's arms and forget everything else. 

So Philip goes back up the list to Lukas's name and hits the call button. He takes a deep breath to compose himself, make himself sound calm. With some luck, Lukas won't be able to tell something is off and Philip can talk him into coming over and hanging out with him.

+

"You miss me or something?" Lukas asks, voice teasing. Philip tucks his face deeper into the crook of Lukas's neck and breathes in the familiar scent of him.

"No," he murmurs, tightening his arms around Lukas. He feels some of the tension leaving his body. 

He'd spent the last few minutes peeking out the kitchen windows while messing around on the phone, impatiently waiting for Lukas. He'd felt a little nervous about going outside, even though he knew there was nobody out there, but the feeling all but evaporated when he heard the familiar rumble of Lukas's bike and saw him riding up the driveway. 

"You okay?" Lukas's voice is softer, inquiring. He cards his fingers through Philip's hair, nose brushing against his temple.

Philip makes himself smile, hope it doesn't come off wobbly, before he draws back. "Fine," he says and leans up, pressing his lips to Lukas's. It takes a second, but then Lukas's returns the kiss, and Philip makes it deep and dirty, distracting. 

Lukas hums into it, the sound petering off into a quiet moan, and Philip's smile is genuine this time when they break apart.

"Let's go to my room," Philip suggests, and Lukas smirks.

"Yeah, okay," he agrees, and takes Philip's hand in his, their fingers hanging tangled together between them.

+

Kissing, fingers pulling at clothes, they tumble onto the bed.

Philip sighs when Lukas's weight presses him down into the mattress. It feels familiar. Safe. Like nothing can get to him with Lukas on top of him, settled between Philip's spread legs, pinning him down.

"Helen and Gabe?" Lukas mumbles. He places soft kisses to the corner of Philip's lips and down to his jaw. His hands tug at the hem of Philip's shirt, dragging it up a couple of inches. The air hits Philip's exposed skin before Lukas's fingers slide over it.

"Work," Philip replies, a little distracted. He lifts his hips up against Lukas's, his cock already hard and aching in his jeans. "They shouldn't be home for a couple of hours."

"Sweet," Lukas says. He presses a kiss to the side of Philip's neck, nipping at the skin, and rucks Philip's shirt up higher. "Feels like it's been forever."

"Three days," Philip replies with a soft laugh, but it sounds a little breathless. He's so hard already, and he needs. Needs Lukas, needs him inside of him, needs him to make everything else disappear. 

Nobody else but Lukas has ever been able to do that, and Philip thinks that's the reason he was so drawn to Lukas from the start, was letting Lukas push him around and always came back for more. Lukas consumes him, makes Philip forget about anything else. His worries and fears, all the shit going on in his life, none of it seemed to matter when Lukas touched him, kissed him, quietly talked to him like every word he uttered to Philip was a secret. And even then, even when he made Philip feel like a dirty little secret, he made him feel good. Made him feel an almost careless happiness he's never before felt in his life, lifting the heaviness of all his problems.

"Stop thinking," Lukas whispers, nuzzling Philip's throat. His fingers graze over Philip's side, pinching the skin teasingly.

"'m not," Philip replies, squirming. Lukas lifts his head and grins.

"You are. But you won't be in a second," he says and sits back. He pulls first his shirt off, and then he pops open the button of Philip's jeans and drags the zipper down. Philip lifts his hips, lets Lukas pull his jeans off. He tosses them aside and scoots down, his hands rucking Philip's shirt all the way up his chest.

Philip's breath hitches when Lukas brushes his mouth over Philip's sternum, his muscles quivering under the touch of Lukas's lips.

"Lukas," he says. 

Lukas hums and places soft kisses down Philip's stomach. His chin presses against Philip's cock, and god, Philip wants Lukas's mouth on him. Wants to bury himself deep in that perfect, wet heat and then, after, have Lukas fuck him until he forgets everything but his own damn name.

Lukas is taking things slow though. Teasing. His mouth reaches the waistband of Philip's underwear, and he nuzzles the sensitive skin of Philip's belly before moving lower. He kisses the length Philip's cock through his boxer-briefs, tracing the outline of it before mouthing at the tip. 

"Fuck," Philip groans, his hips shooting up. He settles his hands on Lukas's head, fingers tangling in his hair, not pushing or guiding but hoping Lukas will understand what he wants. He feels the fabric getting wet with Lukas's spit and his own precome, clinging to the head of his cock. It feels good, pleasure and anticipation making his stomach twist. Lukas's mouth is all wet and warm, but it's not enough and it's driving him crazy.

"Please, Lukas," Philip mumbles, shifting his hips restlessly.

"Hmmm, you want me?"

"Yeah," Philip says.

Lukas chuckles and rests his chin on Philip's hip, looking up at him with bright blue eyes, blond hair falling down into them. "Tell me how," he says. "Tell me what you want."

"Want your mouth on me," Philip says, his voice cracking. He's so close to begging.

"Okay," Lukas says easily, and Philip would hate him a little for sounding so casual if he didn't know it was all an act. But years of denying himself what he wants has apparently taught Lukas some patience — at least when he wants to tease Philip. 

Deftly, Lukas pulls Philip's boxer-briefs off. He smiles and runs his hands up Philip's thighs, before holding him by the hips. 

"Look at you, baby," he says. "So fucking hot."

Philip flushes and he can't help but doubt that, because he's still wearing a damn shirt while the rest of him is exposed and that can't be sexy. But if Lukas thinks so, Philip isn't going to try to dissuade him of the notion. 

"Can you," he starts and lets his legs fall open wider, hopes it looks somewhat inviting. It seems to work, because Lukas wraps his hand around Philip's cock and gives it a couple of strokes, pleasure soaring inside of Philip. Then he leans back down and apparently he's done teasing, because he takes the head of Philip's dick in his mouth and lets Philip slide in deeper. Slick, wet heat wraps firmly around Philip's cock and it feels so good, Philip has to take a deep breath to relax. He tries to keep still, to not push himself up into Lukas's mouth, even though he wants nothing more.

He feels himself hit the back of Lukas's throat and Lukas makes a small noise, pulling back up. He starts sucking on the head of Philip's cock instead, tongue tracing over the slit, and Philip tosses his head back with a moan. He loves this — loves having Lukas's mouth on him, almost as much as he loves doing this to Lukas. He can already feel his orgasm building up, even though they've barely done anything yet.

He reaches down, covering the hand Lukas has wrapped around him with his own and squeezing himself.

Lukas pulls off him with a wet pop. "Already?" he asks.

Philip covers his eyes with his arm and groans. "Shut up," he mutters, and Lukas laughs.

"Dude, it's cool. Kinda hot," he says. He crawls up Philip's body and kisses his cheek, nose grazing Philip's hand. "Look at me. Don't do that."

Philip lets his arm slide off his face, and Lukas smiles down at him. "Don't do what?"

"Hide," Lukas says and cups his face. He kisses Philip, sweet and soft, thumb rubbing small circles onto his cheek. The kiss slowly gets deeper and Lukas settles more firmly on top of him. Lukas's jeans feel too scratchy on Philip’s naked skin, against his cock, but he can feel the thick outline of Lukas through the fabric and he rocks up into it. 

"Baby," he murmurs, can't help himself. They hardly ever call each other anything but their names, but sometimes, in situations like this, it slips out. He likes the way Lukas will usually smile when it does, all soft and happy.

"Yeah," Lukas says against his lips in reply and then he pulls back. He fumbles with Philip's dresser, getting the bottle of lube out, and holds it up.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Philip says, and Lukas smiles brightly, as if Philip just handed him the keys to the world. As if Philip doesn't say _yes_ — and _please_ and _more_ — every damn time.

Lukas pops the bottle open and drizzles some lube onto his fingers, coating them until they're slick and shiny. He leans down and pecks Philip on the lips, while he reaches down between Philip's legs. Slippery fingers slide past his balls, between his cheeks, and Lukas kisses a path down Philip's jaw while his fingers circle Philip's hole. 

He cups the back of Philip's left thigh with his free hand and pushes his leg up before slowly sliding the first finger inside of Philip. 

Lukas never rushes this part. They can both be going out of their minds with need, and Philip can beg as much as he wants, but Lukas will never budge on this. 

He kisses and bites at Philip's neck, nuzzles and nips while he fingers Philip open. Pushing and twisting, first one, then two and three, getting Philip loose and relaxed. The stretch, the slick slide of his fingers in and out of Philip's body, the way Lukas will press and rub over his prostate feels amazing, an imitation of what's to come. Philip rocks down onto it with small gasps, hands grappling for Lukas's shoulders, pressing into skin.

Lukas's lips brush against the shell of his ear, his grip tightening on Philip's thigh, digging into the flesh. "I ever tell you how amazing you feel?" he whispers. "So tight and hot around me, baby. Fuck. I love how you feel so much."

Philip's eyes flutter closed and he moans. "You been watching porn or something?" he asks, his heart beating loudly in his chest. He's so far gone already, feeling so desperate and out of control.

"You know, you can ruin any mood," Lukas says, pulling back and looking down at him. He pulls his fingers out, wiping them on the sheets. Philip grins.

"Oh, really?" he asks, and pushes up against Lukas. "You still feel in the mood."

Lukas rolls his eyes, but his lips are twitching up into a smile. He sits back starts undoing his jeans. "It's a good thing you're so pretty, Shea," he says.

Philip bats his eyelashes. "Yeah?" he asks. "You know what else would be a good thing? If you fucked me already."

"No patience," Lukas mutters, shaking his head. He strips off his jeans and underwear, balancing a bit awkwardly while getting them off. 

He slicks himself up with lube and positions himself between Philip's legs, hoisting them up by the calves to wrap around his waist. He leans down and kisses Philip, a small, chaste peck, before he nudges himself forward, pressing up against Philip's hole. Philip bites down on his bottom lip, and Lukas pushes in.

It feels like the first time every time they do this, the moment of Lukas entering him, his cock thick and stretching Philip wide. The way it burns, makes his heartbeat speed up and his stomach swoop. The way Lukas almost feels too big and yet Philip wants nothing more than to have him buried deep inside of him, making him feel it. 

Lukas works himself in inch by inch, rocking forward, deeper into Philip with each roll of his hips. Philip lets his mouth fall open around soft moans, knowing how much Lukas likes hearing him, and tightens his legs around Lukas. He watches his face, the flush on Lukas's cheeks and the dark eyes staring down at him, lips pink and puffy from kissing. 

Lukas stops when he's all the way in, leans down and rests his forehead against Philip's. "Fuck, baby," he says, so quietly Philip wouldn't hear him over the rush of blood in his ears if Lukas wasn't so close. 

He grips Lukas's arms, squeezing, and lifts hips a little. "Move," he says, and Lukas kisses him before he pulls back and thrusts back in. 

The rhythm is slow, easy. Lukas rocks into him with almost languid rolls of his hips, and they hardly ever do it like this. Most of the time, they're both too impatient and don't get enough time alone to take things slow. Today, Lukas doesn't seem to care that Helen or Gabe could be coming home early, doesn't seem to be in a hurry. Braced with his hands on either side of Philip's head, he stares down at Philip as he thrusts his cock in and out of him, dragging against Philip's prostate and sparking pleasure so sharp, so intense inside of Philip he's writhing under him. Lukas's eyes wide and dark, sweaty hair plastered to his forehead. 

"Touch yourself," he murmurs. "Please, Philip? Wanna watch you get off."

Philip gasps and arches up, Lukas meeting him for a kiss. He lets his hand trail down his stomach to his cock, wrapping his hand around his length. He's been on the edge of coming for too long already, so it only takes a few strokes before he moans against Lukas's lips. Pleasure rolls over him in waves, as he tenses and come splatters onto their stomachs.

Lukas comes, too, a few moments later. Through the haze of his orgasm, Philip feels the hot, stickiness spread inside of him, hears Lukas's broken whisper of, "I love you. Fuck, Philip, I love you."

+

"I love you, too," Philip says later, curled up against Lukas's side, head resting on his chest. Their hands, fingers tangled, are lying next to his face, and Lukas gives his hand a squeeze and shifts under Philip, kissing the top of his head.

"Love you," he replies, and Philip smiles.

He feels okay for now. Calmer than before. 

He can always count on Lukas to do that. No matter how much he turns Philip's life upside down, makes him feel crazy and reckless, Philip feels a sense of tranquility when he's with him, too. Like, maybe, this world isn't going to break him.

The problem is that eventually Lukas has to leave again and go home. Philip always dreads those moments and they drag them out as much as they can, and he knows today he won't want to let Lukas go. 

He doesn't want to spend the night alone. But they have rules — can't stay over if there's school the next day unless one of them is having a really tough time. Philip is glad that they only have two more weeks of classes before they graduate and they can spend as many nights together as they want — except for the two weeks Lukas will be gone for a couple of motocross races, and that's something Philip doesn't even want to think about, because it makes anxiety bubble up inside of him.

He exhales and twists, turning his face further into Lukas's chest. Lukas leaving isn't something he wants to think about today, and especially right now when Lukas is right there with him and things are good.

+

Ryan Kane is pointing the gun right at him, a sardonic smile on his face.

"I'm really sorry," he says, but he doesn't sound sorry at all.

"Please," Philip murmurs and wants to close his eyes, but he can't. 

Kane laughs and then he fires the gun. The shot echoes through the forest, and Philip waits for the pain. Nothing comes, and Kane just laughs harder.

Something makes Philip turn around, and he knows what he'll see before his gaze settles on Lukas's body lying crumpled on the ground, thick red blood spreading out around him.

Philip screams.

+

Philip slams the door to his locker shut and keeps his head down as he makes his way from the changing room into the gym.

Things aren't as bad as they used to be at school. The weeks following Lukas coming out were a bit tense, but these days people mostly leave them alone. Philip can walk down the hallway without having everyone whisper about him and he's not getting pushed around anymore either — probably because Lukas almost broke some guy's nose when he saw it happen the last time. Mostly, everyone has gone back to ignoring Philip and he's okay with that. Gym class is different though — he knows most guys aren't comfortable with him in the locker room and it usually leads to the same guys trying to take it out on him later in gym class. As if they can scare Philip out of watching them change. 

Today, Philip isn't in the mood to deal with any of it. He barely slept the night before and ended up spending the last couple hours before his alarm went off awake, watching videos on his laptop and waiting for the sun to rise so he could call Lukas and hear his voice. Make sure he was alive and fine.

He's tired and jumpy, and every time he and Lukas had to part ways and go to different classes today his stomach twisted and he just wanted to grab Lukas and not let go. To keep him close and make sure he's alright. 

Philip's skin feels too tight for his body, and there are the tendrils of anxiety creeping up inside of him that he can barely keep at bay. He wraps his arms around his waist, eyes fixed on the floor, and silently tells himself that he just has to make it through another few hours and then he can go home. He can drag Lukas with him and curl up with him on his bed and things will be better. He'll stop feeling like something is weighing him down, the sick foreboding sense that something bad is going to happen will go away.

Only, Philip doesn't make it that far. That feeling inside of him, that worry and fear, gets worse with each second that crawls by and the sound of balls ricocheting against the floor seems to get louder and louder, making his heartbeat pick up. Breathing gets harder, and Philip feels himself start to tremble, his stomach rolling.

Halfway through the class, his chest tight and stomach heavy, Philip stumbles out of the gym without a word. His vision is blurry and his knees feel like they're about to buckle and he can still hear the dull thuds of balls hitting the gym floor, and they seem to get louder with each second, until it's too damn much.

+

"Breathe," a voice says, and a hand presses to his back, pushing him forward until Philip's head is between his knees.

He takes a shuddering breath, but it makes his chest hurt and he's still shaking. 

"That's it. Just keep breathing."

Philip does as he's told and then a paper bag is pressed into his hand and guided up to his mouth. He knows what's happening, has been in this exact same place too many times by now, and at least he's feeling clear-headed enough to know what to do. He brings the bag to his mouth and keeps sucking in shaky breaths, waiting for it to get better, hoping it will even though the fear gripping his insides is telling him it won't. 

Slowly, it gets easier to breathe and eventually Philip is able to lift his head. Mr. Walker, their gym teacher, is kneeling in front of him and some of his classmates are milling around, watching him like he's some kind of exotic animal at the zoo, or a freak more likely, and it's making his skin crawl. Philip ducks his head again.

"You okay?" Mr. Walker asks. He's nice enough, understanding. Not all their teachers are, and Philip guesses the fact that Lukas and he are gay has a lot to do with that, but most have been pretty good about all the classes he and Lukas missed, or those times when one of them had to leave during the middle of the class because things were getting to be too much. 

Philip gives a shaky nod.

"Okay. Are you okay to walk?" Mr. Walker continues. "Let's get you to the nurse and have someone come pick you up."

"Yeah," Philip agrees, because as much as he doesn't want school to call Helen or Gabe, he knows he's not up for going to the remainder of his classes. And then, before he can stop himself, he says, "Lukas."

Mr. Walker looks at him for a moment, like he's thinking about it, and then nods. 

Philip's heart starts beating a little slower.

+

"Hey," Lukas says quietly, and when Philip reaches for him, Lukas steps right up to the cot Philip has been sitting on and pulls him into his arms.

Philip sinks into the hug and rests his head on Lukas's shoulder, feeling instantly better. 

"What happened?" Lukas asks and rubs his back.

Philip shrugs. "Panic attack," he says.

Lukas sighs and goes to sit next to him. Philip instantly feels himself tense as Lukas lets go of him, but when he leans into Lukas, he wraps his arms back around him and pulls him against his side.

"Did something happen? Did someone say something?" Lukas continues and runs his fingers through Philip's hair soothingly. Philip let’s his eyes fall shut for just a second, body leaning into the gently touch.

"No."

"Philip," Lukas says softly. "Something's wrong and you're not telling me."

Philip exhales slowly and lets his hand settle on Lukas's thigh, finger rubbing over the small tear in the knee of his jeans. "It's nothing," he mumbles.

"No, it's quite clearly something."

"I don't know, okay?" Philip replies, a bit testily, because he really doesn't know what to say and he's been trying not to let it show that he's been feeling so off lately. He's been trying to be strong. 

Lukas is quiet, not replying, and Philip turns his head to press his forehead against Lukas's jaw.

"Sorry," he mumbles. "I've just... been feeling a little anxious lately. Nothing happened. It's just..." 

"Everything," Lukas says, and Philip shrugs.

"I guess."

"Philip, why didn't you tell me? I thought we weren't going to keep any more secrets from each other," Lukas says, sounding a little disappointed and it makes Philip feel pretty crappy. "I talk to you about stuff like that. I could have tried to help."

"I'm sorry," Philip says. "It wasn't that bad, I swear. I didn't... wanna bother you."

"You think you bother me?"

"No," Philip says and then sighs. "I don't know."

He looks up and sees how hurt Lukas looks and it makes his gut twist. "Lukas," he murmurs, and if he could he would scoot closer. Instead, he wraps his arm around Lukas's hips.

"Don't be mad at me," he says.

"I'm not," Lukas says. "I'm just worried."

"Don't be," he says. "I'm okay. I guess I've just been feeling a little off lately and I've been having nightmares."

It's apparently the wrong thing to say, because Lukas stays quiet for a few moments too long. "You didn't tell me about the nightmares," he finally says.

"I'm sorry," Philip repeats. "Guess I'm the one who's worse at talking about stuff after all."

Lukas cracks a small smile at that. "I think I'll need that in writing."

"No way," Philip says and snorts. He leans his cheek on Lukas's shoulder. "Think you can stay over tonight?"

"I'll sneak out and climb into your room through the window if I have to," Lukas replies, and Philip smiles.

"You'd hurt yourself."

"Probably," Lukas agrees, but it doesn't sound like he'd care.

+

Helen is the one who comes to get him, and Lukas tries to insist that he'll come with them, but Helen tells him to stay at school and refuses to budge.

"You can come see Philip after school," she says. "I'm not letting you inside if you skip."

"We're two weeks away from graduating."

Helen gives him a hard look, and Philip sees Lukas shrink a little and finally nod. 

"Fine," he agrees. "But take good care of him for me."

Helen smiles at that and rolls her eyes. "I was gonna drop him off halfway home and let him walk the rest of the way," she says, and Lukas frowns.

He turns to Philip and gives him a quick peck. "Call me if you need anything."

"I'll be fine. I've got my walking shoes on," Philip replies, and Lukas huffs. 

Back home, Helen offers to make him some food, but Philip isn't hungry and Helen's cooking wouldn't really be appealing even if he was. When she suggests that he go lie down a little and she'll be around if he needs him, he agrees. The thought of going to sleep and possibly having another nightmare worries him a little, but he's feeling exhausted enough that at least lying down for a little while sounds pretty damn nice.

Helen comes in after a few minutes with a cup of tea and gives him a crooked smile. "I know you're not sick, but..." she trails off and shrugs.

Philip takes the mug. "Nah, this is good. I think the warmth helps," he says. "Lukas makes tea when he spends the night and one of us has a nightmare. His mom used to say tea fixes everything."

"Well, let's hope she's right," Helen says and then smoothes Philip's hair back. It's something his mother used to do, and Philip feels his throat close up. He nods.

"Get some rest," Helen says. "I'll let Lukas in when he gets here."

"Thank you," Philip mumbles. 

He sips the tea when it's cooled down a little and then he settles down. He has no real intention of going to sleep, but the next time he blinks his eyes open Lukas is slipping into bed behind him.

"Sorry," Lukas whispers. "Go back to sleep."

"Hmmm," Philip says and stretches, pressing back against Lukas. "Fell asleep."

"Yeah," Lukas says. He wraps his arm around Philip, hand settling on his belly, and kisses the back of his neck. "Go back to sleep."

Philip covers Lukas's hand with his and gives a sluggish nod. "Are you still mad?"

He hears Lukas sigh behind him, and Lukas leans forward and kisses his cheek. "I wasn't mad."

"I promise I'll talk to you next time, if I start feeling like things are spinning out of control," Philip promises.

"And if your nightmares get bad again."

"Yeah," Philip agrees. 

"Okay," Lukas says. Philip twists around in his arms and scoots down a little, so he can fit his head under Lukas's chin, cuddling close. "Now, shh, we're sleeping."

Philip laughs softly and nods, nose brushing against Lukas's throat. Pressed close, Lukas's arm around him, he feels like it's finally safe to go to sleep.

+

Philip is straddling Lukas, kissing him, Lukas's hands sliding down his sides.

"I couldn't do it, Helen."

The words make Philip freeze. He pulls back and looks down at Lukas, who is smiling. "What?" he asks.

"Not your boy," the voice continues.

"Philip?" Lukas asks, sounding confused.

Philip turns around. Ryan Kane is standing at the end of his bed, the gun pointed at them. 

"No," Philip whispers.

"I couldn't do it," Kane repeats. And then he shoots. Philip gasps, but he feels nothing and in the blink of an eye, Kane is gone. 

Philip whips back around, looking back down at Lukas. Lukas is lying still though, blue eyes staring unblinking up at the ceiling, and blood is spreading through his shirt.

"No. No, no, no," Philip murmurs, his voice getting louder.

"Philip," Lukas says. "Philip. Wake up. Hey, wake up."

Philip opens his eyes. It's pitch black, but there are hands on him, the touch so familiar he thinks he'd recognize it anywhere. He opens his mouth, but all that comes out is a quiet sob.

"Shh, it's okay. It's okay," Lukas murmurs and pulls him close. "It was just a dream."

Philip nods and presses his face into Lukas's chest, feeling his tears getting soaked up by the fabric of Lukas's shirt. Lukas rubs his back comfortingly, making small hushing noises.

"Lukas," Philip says quietly, his voice breaking, and he doesn't even have anything else to say. He just wants to say his name, likes the way it makes Lukas tighten his arms around him for a moment, because he's there. Alive.

Philip tries to burrow even closer into Lukas's warmth and he brings his hand up to Lukas's chest, resting it right over his heart and holding his breath until he can feel the steady thump under his fingers.

"Talk to me," he murmurs. "Just... about anything. Something nice."

"Like what?" Lukas asks and starts carding his fingers through Philip's hair.

"Don't care," Philip says. Lukas shifts them so he's lying on his back, Philip sprawled half on top of him.

"Okay. But you can't laugh," Lukas starts.

The words pique Philip's interest and he smiles. "About what?"

"I did this thing a few days ago. It was pretty... silly," Lukas says. "But in my defense, it was Rose's fault."

"What was?" Philip prods and he feels himself start to relax.

"Well, you know about Rose's big graduation bash she has planned next for next week?"

"Who doesn't?"

"Yeah," Lukas says and laughs softly. "She was talking my ear off about it. She's going all out. It's gonna be crazy."

"Hmmm."

"So, she showed me all these photos on Pinterest. She has, like, a board or whatever they call it with ideas for decorations and food and stuff. Like, so many pictures, Philip. You'd think she was planning, like, an event for Brad and Angelina."

"They broke up a while ago, Lukas," Philip says and smiles.

"Whatever. Not the point," Lukas continues. "So, Pinterest, right? Rose loves that site and I never really looked at it before, so Rose kinda showed me how it works."

"It's not really that hard," Philip points out.

"Fine, smartass," Lukas says. "But I didn't really get the point of the whole thing. So Rose insisted that it's awesome and she made this new board for, like, you and me to prove her point or something. And maybe I got kinda into it and we went a little crazy."

"Okay," Philip says slowly and grins. "You and me?"

"Our place. For when we move in together."

"We'll be at college. In a tiny dorm room," Philip says.

Lukas huffs. "In the first year. But after. When we get a real place."

"You and Rose made a Pinterest board for our first apartment?" Philip asks and laughs. He tilts his head back, but in the darkness of the room he can barely make out more than the outline of Lukas's chin.

"I told you it was silly."

"Does Rose still have it saved?"

"I don't know," Lukas admits, and Philip kisses his chin.

"I wanna see it," he says.

"It's embarrassing."

"No," Philip replies. "It's cute."

"It _was_ kinda cool," Lukas says. "She wanted to make a board for our wedding, too, but I drew the line there."

"Oh good, wouldn't want to get too far ahead of ourselves," Philip teases.

"Shut up," Lukas says. "I'll make Rose delete the damn thing, and you'll never see it if you're going to be mean about it."

"No, I wanna see it," Philip says and smiles to himself. "You're good at this, you know."

"At collecting a bunch of pictures of decoration for our hypothetical apartment that we won't move into for, like, a year at the very least?" Lukas asks, trailing his hand down Philip's back and settling it on the small of his back.

"Distracting me," Philip replies.

"Good," Lukas says. "That's why you should call me whenever you feel off or have a nightmare."

"I get it," Philip mumbles. 

Lukas hums, seeming satisfied with that, and Philip slips his hand lower, lets it creep under Lukas's shirt. 

"Tell me about the kind of decoration you picked," he murmurs and closes his eyes, letting Lukas's voice wash over him.

+

For the next couple of days, Philip's panic attack in the middle of gym class seems to be a hot topic at school. People are back to whispering and watching him, as if they're waiting for it to happen again.

Lukas keeps glaring at people in the hallway, almost gets into a fight with a guy from Philip's gym class who re-enacts Philip's panic attack in the hallway for a small audience. Philip drags him away just in time. He pulls him into an empty janitor's closet and he knows that's probably not the best way to get people to stop talking about them, but he just wants a few moments away from everyone.

"Could have punched him in the fucking face," Lukas says.

"He isn't worth getting in trouble over," Philip tells him. "Just one more week, okay? And then we're out of here."

"Yeah," Lukas says and exhales slowly. "One week. I can't wait for the summer."

"Me neither," Philip admits.

Lukas rests their foreheads together. "I wish I wasn't going away for a couple of weeks," he admits quietly, and Philip feels his stomach twist in the way it always does when the topic comes up. He nods and plucks at the hem of Lukas's shirt.

Lukas pulls away and sits down, his back against the door, reaching for Philip's hand and tugging him down next to him.

"It's just a couple of weeks, though," Philip says, as if that's not bad. As if the prospect of spending that much time apart, with Lukas on the other side of the continent, doesn't almost make him have another panic attack.

He feels like they've spent the last few months just barely making it through the weeks, always waiting for the weekends to come so they could spend a couple of nights together. So that even when one of them had a nightmare, they were there to comfort each other and get some rest. The first couple of months, they sneaked out more than Helen, Gabe or Bo realized, when phone calls during the middle of the night just weren't enough to calm their racing hearts and keep the panic at bay. They spent way too many afternoons in the barn, napping, catching up on sleep they didn't get during the nights they had to spend apart. 

They started coping a little better over time, the nightmares happening less frequently, but the thought of Lukas being more than a few miles away still freaks Philip out. The last week proved just how not okay he is yet, how much he still needs Lukas around. And maybe the fact that he knows Lukas will be leaving has been bothering him more than even he realized, has been what's been amping up his anxiety lately, because thinking about it now is making him feel sick.

"I wish we could just skip classes for the rest of the day and go home," Lukas says into the silence between them.

"You wanna risk Helen's wrath?"

Lukas grimaces. "No. But it's stupid that we even have to be here," he argues. "We're not really doing anything anymore anyway. We might as well not be here."

"Yeah," Philip agrees. "Don't think Helen would agree."

"Gabe might," Lukas points out.

"Yeah, but he'd never admit it. He doesn't want to spend the night on the couch."

"Dude, would Helen make him do that?" Lukas asks with a snort.

"I don't know. Maybe?" Philip says and grins, knocking their legs together.

"Well, maybe we can just stay here all day. That way we can say we were at school."

"Yeah? And skip lunch? 'Cause you get really cranky when you get hungry," Philip points out with a soft laugh.

"I do not."

"Yeah, you do," Philip says. 

"Fine. Maybe," Lukas admits. "So, guess we gotta go to class."

"Yeah," Philip says, but he doesn't really feel excited about the prospect either. At least it's Friday, he reminds himself. At least they get to go home and spend the entire weekend together soon.

+

They go for a ride after class. Philip wraps his arms tightly around Lukas, pressing up against him as closely as he can.

The air rushing past them feels nice, cool on the hot, sunny day, and Philip feels better about the day the farther and farther they get away from school. Lukas drives them out to the quarry. With Philip on the bike, he never does anything too crazy, just speeds a little and does a few easy jumps that aren't too high. 

Philip never anticipated liking this. The first time Lukas told him he was into motocross, Philip wasn't really impressed. Lukas was cute and that was the only reason Philip agreed to shoot videos of him. But he gets it now — the sense of freedom of speeding down streets, the noise of the engine and the helmets blocking out any sounds, the thrill of jumping, not touching the ground for a few moments. It makes the rest of the world fade away for a little while, and he understands why Lukas fell in love with it, why it was his escape for years and years.

Lukas's bad mood from earlier seems to have evaporated completely by the time they make it back to Helen and Gabe's farm. He's smiling when they pull their helmets off and he drags Philip into a kiss before they push the bike into the barn. 

It's dark and a little cooler than outside in there, the air smelling of hay. They get up into the hayloft, settling side by side against one of the square bales.

"You know, I'm gonna miss this place when we're in New York," Lukas admits.

"Yeah, as if we're not going to come back, like, every other week so you can ride your bike out in the quarry," Philip says.

"Yeah, but then we'll be visiting. We can't just come here and spend all day in the barn," Lukas points out. 

"We're gonna live in a tiny dorm room together; you'll probably be sick of me anyway."

"Right," Lukas says with a snort. He picks up some loose pieces of hay and tosses them at Philip, who tries to bat them away unsuccessfully.

"Maybe _I'll_ be sick of _you_ ," he says.

"Yeah, that's never gonna happen," Lukas says with a wide grin, and Philip doesn't argue because he knows Lukas is right. He can't imagine ever not wanting to be around Lukas, as much as he can.

"You know," he starts and plucks a piece of hay off his t-shirt. Lukas reaches over and brushes some out of Philip's hair. "Maybe I could come with you."

"To New York? Uh, yeah, we're both kinda going to go to college there," Lukas says.

Philip gives him a look. "No, idiot. I mean, this summer."

"Seriously?" Lukas asks.

"I have some money saved up," Philip says with a shrug.

"Yeah, for a new camera," Lukas replies and frowns a little.

"Well, Helen and Gabe are gonna give me some cash for graduation, too. They already told me," Philip says. "I could swing it."

"I was thinking about not going," Lukas admits. 

Philip sighs.

"Don't do that. You really want to go, I know you do," he says. "Let me come. Not even as your boyfriend; we can pretend we're just friends, so there won't be any problems. And I can take some footage of you."

Lukas smiles, nodding. "That'd be kinda sweet," he says. "But we don't have to pretend we're just friends. It's cool."

"Are you sure? I mean, there probably aren't a lot of gay guys in motocross," he says. "Or any. It'd probably be smarter to pretend we're just friends."

"When have you ever known me to do the smart thing?" Lukas asks with an eye-roll, and Philip laughs.

Lukas grins widely at him in return and slings his arm around him. Philip shifts closer, leaning into Lukas's side. "I was kinda freaking out about being apart for two weeks," he admits.

"Me, too," Lukas says. "I'm glad you want to come."

"I'm glad you want me to."

Lukas makes an amused noise. "Yeah, like I'd ever not want you around. You're so stupid sometimes."

"You're stupid all the time."

"And yet you're into me," Lukas points out. "Which makes you the bigger idiot, really."

"You really know how to flatter a guy," Philip says and digs his elbow into Lukas's side. Lukas laughs and pushes him away a little, only to drag him back in close again and cup his face, kissing him.

"Think Helen and Gabe would be cool with us crashing up here tonight?" he asks.

"You really love waking up with hay sticking everywhere, don't you?"

"Yeah," Lukas says. "I mostly really love spreading you out on the hay though." 

He waggles his eyebrows, and Philip smiles, knowing Lukas really just knows how much Philip likes spending time up here. The barn doors have a thick iron lock, so Philip feels safe enough up here in the hayloft, and he likes the way it smells, and the way it feels like their place. Somewhere nobody else goes, where they can be truly alone. 

"Let's ask them over dinner," he says. 

"Sweet," Lukas says and hugs Philip close, kissing his temple. "You know, I think we're gonna have a pretty good summer."

"Yeah?"

Lukas hums, and Philip is inclined to agree. Now that he knows he's going to go with Lukas, he feels like he can keep the panic at bay, can truly be okay.

+

That night, Philip dreams he's in a forest.

"Philip," Lukas calls, and when Philip turns around toward his voice, he's suddenly out in the quarry. 

Lukas is standing a few feet away, his helmet tucked under his arm, and he's smiling. Happy. Healthy. Alive.

Philip smiles back at him.


End file.
